The Marx Brothers Run for President
<P>Chico:
Wazzat? You a-calling to retract your confession? </P>
<P>Groucho:
Concession </P>
<P>Chico: Too
much pennance? Hokay, I make-a you deal: I take it down to <em>four</em> "hail
mary"s and <em>six</em> "our father"s. I promise-you not-a find a better deal
anywhere. </P>
<P>Groucho:
Con<em>ce</em>ssion. I'm still running for president. </P>
<P>Chico: Let
me get-a this straight. You not-a-gonna say no hail marys. </P>
<P>Groucho:
No.</P>
<P>Chico: You
not-a-gonna say no our fathers. </P>
<P>Groucho:
No. </P>
<P>Chico:
<em>And</em> you still wanna be president of the Electrician's College.
</P>
<P>Groucho:
Something like that. </P>
<P>Chico: Can
you <em>do</em> that? </P>
<P>Groucho: Of
course I can. </P>
<P>Groucho:
[aside] I can do that, can't I? </P>
<P>Warren
Christopher: I think so. </P>
<P>Groucho:
[more confidently] Of course I can. </P>
<P>Chico:
[aside] Can he do that?</P>
<P>Zeppo: I
don't think so. </P>
<P>Chico:
[very confidently] Jebbo says you can't-a-do that. </P>
<P>Groucho:
[with vast patience] Let me explain something to you. Your younger
brother has no controlling leg-- I mean, your younger brother is not the
boss of me. </P>
<P>Chico: So
you not-a-gonna confess. </P>
<P>Groucho:
Concede. </P>
<P>Chico:
Yeah, dat. Hokay, I make-a you deal: you confess, I get to be president
of the Electrical Cabbage. [silence] </P>
<P>Groucho:That's the deal? What's in it for me? </P>
<P>Chico: You
don't got to say no-a hail marys. </P>
<P>Groucho:
No, I don't like that deal. How about this: We split Florida
fifty-fifty. </P>
<P>Chico:
Even-steven? </P>
<P>Groucho:
Even-steven. </P>
<P>Chico:
Fifty-fifty? </P>
<P>Groucho:
Fifty-fifty. </P>
<P>Chico: Do I
get-a Ft. Lauderdale? </P>
<P>Groucho:
No, but you get Disneyland. </P>
<P>Chico: Well
dat-a sounds pretty...Wait-a second. Who gets the expectoral
cauliflower? </P>
<P>Groucho:
Well... I do. But I'll throw in New Hampshire, and a duck! </P>
<P>Chico: At's
a no good. It's from-a da wrong picture. </P>
<P>Groucho: I
hope you know, sir, this means war! You leave me no outlet but to sue
for a deadline extension, sue for the butterfly ballot, and sue for
voter discrimination. And <em>that's</em> a three-pronged outlet! Stick your
tongue on that, and you'll get an electoral discharge. The columnists
said there was a negative current in our campaign, and how right they
were. I demand...[dramatic pause] a hand recount! </P>
<P>Chico: Why,
you missing one? Have you checked-a your pockets? That's-a where mine
always are. </P>
<P>Groucho:
Well, you can keep your hands <em>out</em> of my pockets from now on. Look, I
want to have the votes recounted by hand, because there were so many
hanging chads. You know what a hanging chad is? </P>
<P>Chico:
Sho'! My uncle--"Hanging" Chad Bush--he was a judge back in Texas.
</P>
<P>Groucho: He
was? </P>
<P>Chico:
Yeah, he was a famous one. He taught me everything about justice. Of
course, my Aunt Trudy always said he got the nickname because he had
such a-- </P>
<P>Groucho:As
fascinated as I am by your family history, it's your own electile
dysfunction we're trying to talk about here. A manual recount is the
only way we're gonna find out who the winner is here. I'm gonna sue for
the right to have one. </P>
<P>Chico: At's
a-no fair! Machines a-got rights too, you know. You wanna put 'em all
out of work? I'm a-gonna sue to stop you from suing! </P>
<P>Groucho:
Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, eh? Well, then I'll sue to block the
injunction to ban the suit to have a hand recount! </P>
<P>Chico: Oh,
a tough-a-guy, eh? Well, I'm a-gonna sue to t'row out da suit to block
da suit to prevent da suit to invalidate the suit to prevent da recount.
Whaddaya t'ink of that, anh? </P>
<P>Groucho:
Sounds fair. </P>
<P>Chico: It
does?! [to himself] t'row out...to block...to prevent... [Aloud, again]
Oh, you tink-a-you so smart, but you're just a big...big...big...[with
fury]partisan! </P>
<P>Groucho:
Well, you don't have to get snippy.</P>
[/documents/]
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