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Sat, Mar 13, 2004

The Marx Brothers Run for President

    <P>Chico: 
    Wazzat? You a-calling to retract your confession? </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Concession </P>
    <P>Chico: Too 
    much pennance? Hokay, I make-a you deal: I take it down to <em>four</em> "hail 
    mary"s and <em>six</em> "our father"s. I promise-you not-a find a better deal 
    anywhere. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Con<em>ce</em>ssion. I'm still running for president. </P>
    <P>Chico: Let 
    me get-a this straight. You not-a-gonna say no hail marys. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    No.</P>
    <P>Chico: You 
    not-a-gonna say no our fathers. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    No. </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    <em>And</em> you still wanna be president of the Electrician's College. 
    </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Something like that. </P>
    <P>Chico: Can 
    you <em>do</em> that? </P>
    <P>Groucho: Of 
    course I can. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    [aside] I can do that, can't I? </P>
    <P>Warren 
    Christopher: I think so. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    [more confidently] Of course I can. </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    [aside] Can he do that?</P>
    <P>Zeppo: I 
    don't think so. </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    [very confidently] Jebbo says you can't-a-do that. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    [with vast patience] Let me explain something to you. Your younger 
    brother has no controlling leg-- I mean, your younger brother is not the 
    boss of me. </P>
    <P>Chico: So 
    you not-a-gonna confess. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Concede. </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    Yeah, dat. Hokay, I make-a you deal: you confess, I get to be president 
    of the Electrical Cabbage. [silence] </P>
    <P>Groucho:That's the deal? What's in it for me? </P>
    <P>Chico: You 
    don't got to say no-a hail marys. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    No, I don't like that deal. How about this: We split Florida 
    fifty-fifty. </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    Even-steven? </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Even-steven. </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    Fifty-fifty? </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Fifty-fifty. </P>
    <P>Chico: Do I 
    get-a Ft. Lauderdale? </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    No, but you get Disneyland. </P>
    <P>Chico: Well 
    dat-a sounds pretty...Wait-a second. Who gets the expectoral 
    cauliflower? </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Well... I do. But I'll throw in New Hampshire, and a duck! </P>
    <P>Chico: At's 
    a no good. It's from-a da wrong picture. </P>
    <P>Groucho: I 
    hope you know, sir, this means war! You leave me no outlet but to sue 
    for a deadline extension, sue for the butterfly ballot, and sue for 
    voter discrimination. And <em>that's</em> a three-pronged outlet! Stick your 
    tongue on that, and you'll get an electoral discharge. The columnists 
    said there was a negative current in our campaign, and how right they 
    were. I demand...[dramatic pause] a hand recount! </P>
    <P>Chico: Why, 
    you missing one? Have you checked-a your pockets? That's-a where mine 
    always are. </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Well, you can keep your hands <em>out</em> of my pockets from now on. Look, I 
    want to have the votes recounted by hand, because there were so many 
    hanging chads. You know what a hanging chad is? </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    Sho'! My uncle--"Hanging" Chad Bush--he was a judge back in Texas. 
    </P>
    <P>Groucho: He 
    was? </P>
    <P>Chico: 
    Yeah, he was a famous one. He taught me everything about justice. Of 
    course, my Aunt Trudy always said he got the nickname because he had 
    such a-- </P>
    <P>Groucho:As 
    fascinated as I am by your family history, it's your own electile 
    dysfunction we're trying to talk about here. A manual recount is the 
    only way we're gonna find out who the winner is here. I'm gonna sue for 
    the right to have one. </P>
    <P>Chico: At's 
    a-no fair! Machines a-got rights too, you know. You wanna put 'em all 
    out of work? I'm a-gonna sue to stop you from suing! </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, eh? Well, then I'll sue to block the 
    injunction to ban the suit to have a hand recount! </P>
    <P>Chico: Oh, 
    a tough-a-guy, eh? Well, I'm a-gonna sue to t'row out da suit to block 
    da suit to prevent da suit to invalidate the suit to prevent da recount. 
    Whaddaya t'ink of that, anh? </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Sounds fair. </P>
    <P>Chico: It 
    does?! [to himself] t'row out...to block...to prevent... [Aloud, again] 
    Oh, you tink-a-you so smart, but you're just a big...big...big...[with 
    fury]partisan! </P>
    <P>Groucho: 
    Well, you don't have to get snippy.</P>

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