main :: documents :: dearsir

Tue, Mar 09, 2004

Dear Sir

You, Mr. L----, are the offspring of an unnatural union between a 
syphilitic jackal and Nancy Reagan. The overwhelming pungency of your 
personal aroma can be considered, in a sense, a boon, as it encourages 
people to remain at a distance that reduces the chance of epileptic 
fits and hysterical weeping when confronted with the appalling 
spectacle that is your face.

Your sexual taste for waterfowl and household appliances is, I suppose, 
your own business, but your ability to be consistently rejected by 
members of both groups is worthy of note by conisseurs of the epically 

The manual dexterity that allowed you to find the "forward" button on 
your copy of Eudora for Windows precious moments beford short-
circuiting your keyboard with drool is conspicuously absent when you 
endeavor to dress yourself; though I must concede that such efforts are 
immeasureably preferable to the spectacle of your grotesque physique, 
appalling posture, and unsavory complexion unclothed.

You are a philosophical conundrum, Mr. L----. Those thinkers who 
believed in the blessedness of fools and madmen had obviously never 
encountered you. On the other hand, it is uncertain whether, upon 
considering you, one should despair of a species that could produce 
such a specimen as yourself, or glory in the immense gulf between you 
and the oft-maligned common man.

In conclusion, Mr. L----, please be so kind as to refrain from 
providing me with any further commercial solicitations, top-ten lists, 
cookie recipies, virus warnings, or any other globs of recycled 
electronic phlegm; no matter how urgent, hilarious, lucrative. or tasty 
they may appear to your malformed little mind.

Yours Cordially,

Yes, I really did send that to someone on a mailing list once. No reply though, more's the pity.

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